The following blog submission has been approved by the Board of the Attachment Network of Manitoba

COSP and Coaching Athletes

Charlie Slaughter, MPH

Many of you have been reading Every Moment Matters by John O’Sullivan. John states, “Great coaches understand that coaching is a relationship business” (O’Sullivan, n.d).

Yet, we all know that building a relationship with an athlete can be challenging and exasperating, especially if it isn’t clear what the athlete needs. I’ve been learning about a new tool that I’m finding actually helps me make sense of what an athlete needs and how to provide what they need. I want to share some about this new tool. I also would love to hear if any of you would like an opportunity to learn more about this tool.

John O’Sullivan also shares the story about Steve Kerr when he took the job as head coach of the Golden State Warriors. Steve Kerr was asked by Pete Carroll, head coach of the Seattle Seahawks, “How are you going to coach?” (Seifert, 2020) Carroll was specifically focused on what the team culture would look like. The next day, Kerr returned with four values: Joy, Competitiveness, Compassion, and Mindfulness.

There are two key ways for an athlete to be able to have more joy. One way is when the athlete is exploring their world, including the world of their sport, and enjoying what they are doing and learning. That feels good and provides an internal experience of joy. The other way is what happens when the athlete is experiencing distress. Distress is often caused by failure. Maybe the athlete missed the game-winning goal. Maybe the athlete made a mistake and allowed the other team to make a goal. So, how could this possibly lead to joy? The answer is what happens in response to the athlete’s distress, particularly what happens within the relationship the athlete has with their coach.

Circle of Security Parenting

I recently learned about Circle of Security Parenting (COSP). What has been so helpful about COSP is that it has provided me with concrete relationship tools that help me use my relationship with an athlete to turn distress into joy. 

One of the relationship tools COSP provides is the Circle. It is used to observe a kid’s behavior and to figure out what the kid is communicating to you through their behavior that they actually need. In the drawing below you can see that a kid’s behavior is either exploration (top of the Circle) or being in distress (bottom of the Circle).

One of the relationship tools COSP provides is the Circle. It is used to observe a kid’s behavior and to figure out what the kid is communicating to you through their behavior that they actually need. In the drawing below you can see that a kid’s behavior is either exploration (top of the Circle) or being in distress (bottom of the Circle).

After determining if the kid’s (infant, child, or adolescent) behavior indicates the kid is either exploring or experiencing distress, the next step is to figure out what the kid is telling you through their behavior what they actually need. For example, a kid who is exploring may need you to provide some help, just enjoy them, or just delight in them. That helps a kid have joy, and joy is a wonderful and powerful feeling. 

A kid who is having distress needs you to notice they are having distress, welcome them to come to you, and then meet their underlying need for comfort, protection, delight, or help with organizing their feelings. As the distress is relieved, kids feel a deep sense of safety, security, and connection. This also produces joy because they feel understood emotionally and have an experience of someone on their side who is being Bigger, Stronger, Wiser, and Kind.

Equally as true, besides a kid having a reaction, a coach can have a reaction to a kid’s behavior. COSP can be helpful in these emotionally charged moments when you can react strongly and instantaneously to something an athlete did and can be a mean, critical, or even destructive. COSP can help you see and own your own over-reaction and help you reflect about your over-reaction so you can navigate through it better. Even if you do over-react and cause a rupture in your relationship with an athlete, COSP can help you learn to recognize, own, and repair the rupture. One of the interesting parts of strengthening relationships is that the repair of relationship ruptures makes them stronger, safer, and more secure. 

Additionally, each athlete brings their life experiences of being supported or not being supported while exploring and being supported or not being supported while having distress. This is called their attachment history. Every athlete brings their attachment history when they join a team. As a result, each athlete has learned healthy or unhealthy ways to get their needs met or to hide their needs that are connected to exploration or distress. COSP helps you see and understand each athlete’s behavior and their healthy or unhealthy reaction to you when you respond to their underlying need. In essence, COSP helps you gain coherence about athlete’s behavior while exploring and while having distress. This can also help an athlete have an experience in which they experience you as being someone on their side which can build their level of commitment.

References

O’Sullivan, J. (n.d). Every Moment Matters: You Coach a Person, Not a Sport. playerdevelopemntalproject.com.

Seifert, B. (2020, January 11). Every Moment Matters by John O’Sullivan. coachesread.com.